“Brahms: The Boy II” is a tax evasion project, a money laundering scheme, or both. I swear, that’s the only explanation for how something this lazy and careless gets made in the first place. I honestly refuse to believe that there was a single person even trying to make something worth watching behind this movie. It is such a supreme waste of everyone’s time that it borders on patronizingly offensive, and no amount of cute horror gags sprinkled throughout can save it from being a bland, mind-numbing, sleep-inducing failure of a “creepy doll” movie. I struggled to stay awake multiple times near the midpoint of this film, and I probably would have dozed off entirely if it wasn’t for the efforts of my friends sitting next to me. The attitude that kept me awake was basically a “If we have to sit through this, so do you” mentality. And if that doesn’t paint a clear enough picture about how boring this movie was to watch, I don’t know what will.

Right from the beginning, I knew I was in for a treat when the main character was attacked in the middle of the night by a gang of ninjas in her own home. She suffers a head injury during what is later referred to as a “senseless burglary” in which the invading ninjas didn’t actually seem to steal anything other than the main character’s sanity for the rest of the film. The event also scars her son, who witnessed her mother getting hit over the head with a golf trophy, and he now refuses to talk to anyone, simply writing his words down on a notepad instead. With his wife suffering from ninja-filled PTSD nightmares every night and his son deciding to become a mute, the man of the house decides its time to pack their things and leave London to live in a creepy house in the woods for a few weeks or months or something.

Ah yes, every 12 year old boy’s dream: a disgusting dirt-covered ceramic doll with a creepy human face that’s been buried in the woods.

Nothing really happens for a long time until finally, the son wanders off into the woods and discovers the titular “Brahms” doll: a creepy, lifelike ceramic doll that nobody in the 21st century would ever want, especially not a 12-year-old boy. This is when the movie finally has to provide the illusion that it’s a horror film, immediately cutting to one of the many cheap unearned jump scares sprinkled throughout the rest of the film. Show something totally mundane accompanied by a loud noise or random music sting and suddenly it’s “scary.” These cheap tricks get old fast and when your movie has literally nothing else to offer, it becomes the perfect example of why I hate bad horror films. There’s nothing scary about making everything go quiet for a few seconds and then playing a really loud noise for no reason other than to wake the audience up. If I walked into a crowded room and shot a gun into the air, I bet it would scare a lot of people too, but I wouldn’t consider myself some “master of horror.”

Anyway, the movie keeps chugging along with random creepy stuff happening surrounding the doll, as the son becomes more and more infatuated with the thing. He tells his parents that the doll speaks to him and that its name is Brahms, which is probably one of the lamest names a demon can have other than maybe “Jeffery,” but whatever. Creepy stuff continues happening every 5-10 minutes or so until the movie suddenly decides it wants to end, throwing in an extremely over-the-top climax which concludes on a lame, unearned “twist” that makes no sense in both a logical context and the context of the movie. It essentially nullifies the entire third act of the film and only exists to set up yet another unearned, boring, predictable sequel. I swear, there should be some kind of council that decides whether or not the human race should spend $10 million producing “Brahms: The Boy II” rather than using that money to fight world hunger or climate change.

Halfway through the movie, the kid starts dressing like the doll for no real reason other than “that might be creepy, let’s have him do that.”

This movie is completely unremarkable in every single aspect of both its writing and its filmmaking, and its only purpose seems to be a cynical cash-in on a somewhat recognizable property that’s already ripping off a long series of doll-related horror movies. It’s boring, bland, and not scary in the slightest. If it wasn’t for the occasional loud noise provided by a random jump scare, I probably would’ve fallen asleep halfway through, and by the time it reached its “epic” conclusion, it felt completely unearned and out of place with the rest of the film. I can’t recommend anyone spend their money on this unless they like watching people wander around the woods for a little less than 90 minutes. This movie never needed to exist, and it adds nothing to the world through its existence. Avoid.

1/10 – Unwatchable